Can We Get Some Respect Around Here?

When I was fifteen I was so eager to be respected.  My father instilled this in me. Respect is about being honored in some way.   Most fifteen-year olds have a long way to go before they've earned respect.  I sure know I tried hard at everything in order to achieve esteem for my efforts.  My father called me over the past weekend to talk to me about my projects with my business.  When I told him I was working very, very hard, he said, "That's good Jill.  But don't forget to work smart too!"  It reminded me of a quote by American Disney Studio illustrator and comic book creator Carl Barks,"Work smarter, not harder." Sometimes I can be in such a rush to complete something that I misinterpret hard work as smart work.  Right now, however, I couldn't be working more hard and more smart than I am.  I felt that all this respect that I have been after in my life is something that I wanted from other people. Today, I can honestly say that I understand that self-respect is the key. And I have respect for my work.  It includes regard for my strategy, creativity, collaboration, understanding, curiosity, and the desire to really help people.  I'm far from fifteen but I certainly feel that my self-respect leads others to call upon me for my input. To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com 

Open the Lines of Communication

We are building a house in the mountains.  There is a lot to think about.  We bought 3.5 acres of land two years ago and when we first got it we had no electricity, no hot water and no internet.  The first year we still had our apartment in Rio and New York.  We visited the land on weekends and holidays. Every time we came, we had a romantic candle-lit experience that put us close to the land.  We loved it. Then, we installed hot water for the shower.  One and a half years later, we got electricity and built a beautiful deck to make the living space more comfortable.  We have internet and we are beginning talks about renovating the small brick house that is built on a rock overlooking miles of the Atlantic Forest. Like any couple building a home, we have our moments of disagreement and times when our dreams intersect.  We plan to build next April after the rainy season.  There is a lot to think about.  For me, there is the added challenge of not being fluent in Portuguese which makes it harder for me to know exactly what is discussed with builders.  But, for the moment, we are recruiting architects to design a layout for our home.  This morning we walked around the land imagining the kitchen here and the office there.  We got excited; we got anxious; and then we settled in realizing that the best thing is for us to take our time. Aside from get to know the land even more, we need to pace our emotions and our expectations. We need to communicate clearly to the people who will help us construct.  There will be times when one of us will get our way and times when we agree. This merging of ideas happens everyday in our communication and keeping the lines of communication open is the only way that things can develop fairly without destroying the vision. Not all decisions need to be immediate.  In fact, the best decisions happen over time. To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com 

Expectations Of Others

A friend of mine was talking about one of her friends to me.  This, that, and the other thing...bottom line is she was upset about the reciprocity in the relationship.  She was explaining all the ways that her friend seemed to need her but didn't feel there was an even exchange.  I've certainly had my share of times where I felt hurt by a friendship, but I must say that I give people a lot of room to be themselves and quite often that includes things not always being even. As I've gotten older I have learned to give less however. I've been more selective about who I let in.  I've created a second tier of friendships and those are the ones I am less generous with.  It helps me manage my expectations of people.  When I was younger I thought that communicating about everything to everyone was the only way.  It didn't matter if they were my "bestest" friends or an acquaintance. Now, I see that in-depth communication, especially involving conflict, is essential with those that are the most important.  If I have an issue with someone but choose not to discuss it, then I acknowledge that they sit in this second ring of connection.  It works for me and keeps me from exhausting my energy in too many directions.  Perhaps that is what my friend needs to consider...how much energy she is willing to disperse and if the problems she has with her friend are worth it.  If there is great value, she just needs to make that decision and not worry so much about the equality between them.  We each have our own way of giving and we have to be insightful enough to know what our friends bring to us and value them for that. To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com 

Empirical Evidence

I've never been a woman of intellectual conversation.  The big words often go over my head.  And when I try to use them, I'm not always so sure I use them correctly.  Being in the language business since 1992, many people find it strange.  Students would ask me the meaning of a word and I could simply say, "I'm not sure. Let's look it up."   I was never shy about that because I never claimed to be an English teacher.  I was a performer turned communication expert who helps non-native English speakers communicate effectively in English.  Even with my lack of grandiose vocabulary, the feeling of a conversation never gets lost on me.  It makes me think that it is the black against the white that makes the black blacker and the white whiter.  When opposites take to each other it can be very enlightening indeed.  Just this past week I had a conversation with a PH.D. who I anticipated would ask me questions about the metrics from our accent reduction program that show the results of our graduates.  Sure enough she did and it was a stimulating conversation.  What may have been more intimidating for me in the past felt like a brilliant moment of connection--the creative meeting the academic.  We seemed to have very similar knowledge and were able to express it in ways we both understood.   She spoke of the empirical evidence that exists regarding accent versus pronunciation and I mentioned our performance techniques for helping non-native English speakers meet their English speaking effectiveness.  For someone like me who lives in a feeling world, it confirmed that first-hand experience is knowledge. To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com 

Think Outside The Box

I remember my teenage days when I was trying to fit in and still be my own person.  The combination is a bit deadly. How can you be yourself while you are trying to accommodate others?  Teenagers are prime examples of this struggle.  It got me thinking about the ways in which I suffer with this today.  Certainly, I am known by my closest friends, family and colleagues as someone who stands up when I have an opinion.  And for all those times that I do, I don't even notice that I am as bold as I've been told I am.  It comes easily to me.  Lately, I have been aware that when I am insecure about my position in a relationship, I vacillate between sharing my vision and just saying something.  There is a big difference between the two.  Having vision is unique.  Just saying something  is based on fear.  This makes sense because it goes back to the feeling of not fitting in.  If I say something less original, perhaps I can be seen as part of the clan.  But what if being less unique means that most of what I say doesn't reach the person I am talking to?  It goes in one ear and out the other. I know from my own experience that when someone says something to me in a way that I've never heard, I listen.  I perk up and want to know more from them.  They stimulate my own creativity and they drive me to think outside the box.  This kind of communication creates community.  And community gives us a sense of belonging which is something we crave.  But, we get to that place of togetherness through our unique outlooks.  Not through conformity.  Because we can't please others and ourselves at the same time, we have to take greater risks in advancing our objectives.  And this happens precisely when we stick to our vision and when we develop our relationships through meaningful conversation.  We insist that those dialogues take place.  We push others to invent.  We look for the common ground.  We push again and so the cycle continues.  Then, I can conclude that the gap between being myself and trying to fit in can lessen so long as I am vigilant about bridging the two. To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com 

Greatness is Tireless

I saw Facebook COO, Sheryl Sandberg, on 60 minutes this year. Her book, Lean In, was written to help women be bolder, louder and more recognizable.  She spoke about the ways that women undermine themselves.  We doubt our ideas are good enough.  We cave just when we get the greatest opportunity to be heard. And we  look after other's needs as a way to play nice.  But playing nice isn't the name of the game. Take negotiating for example, Sandberg almost took the first offer she was given by Zuckerberg because she thought it was a good number.  Her husband told her to fight for what a man would get and if nothing else, negotiate because you don't take the first offer.  Sounds like good business advice to me: Ask for what you want; stay in the conversation; and stand your ground.  So why all the hemming and hawing?  I can speak for myself.  When I am engaged in conversations of utmost importance, I worry: "Did I remember the most important point?  Am I talking too much?  Did I even say anything of value?"  Then there is my infamous question: "What would a guy say?" But, I don't always get a straight answer.  I know I just need to be myself-- a smart, thought-provoking and creative person whose done her homework and is ready for showtime. I've won many people over without trying in the past so why all the worry for those meaningful dialogues? It must be ego because I know I'd like to come off as uber-smooth, uber-insightful, and uber-intelligent.  How is it that the things that matter to us most are the things that trip us up the most?  If someone asked me that question, I'd say:  "Sounds about right to me!"  So, Sheryl Sandberg, thanks for sharing with us that even with all your accomplishments you still go home some days doubting yourself.  It reminds me that greatness is tireless.  Our efforts forge on in search of inspiration and aptitude in the hopes that one day we will reach the top of the mountain and say, "I did it!"  Whatever that may be. To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com 

Failed Communication

I was visiting with my brother over the weekend and I went upstairs to check-in with my niece.  She seemed despondent.  A simple desire to connect turned into me asking a series of questions followed by one or two-word answers.  This is of course what is to be expected of teenagers, but it got me thinking more deeply about the lack of relationship I have with her because I can't have a simple dialogue with her.  When someone doesn't know how to let you in, or better yet, let themselves out, there may be very little that we can do. With people who have less significance in my life, I've learned to put my energy elsewhere. But, when it is someone I care deeply about, I take these failed communications personally.  I suppose there is a chance that one day she will remember all the times I reached out to her and her secret trust in me could show its face.  Or, perhaps what I have offered in the way of love and support may never penetrate or make a visible difference in her life.  It's not easy to watch someone go through a hard time knowing that they keep everything inside.  If I knew that she had an outlet for her sorrow, her doubts and her big questions, I'd feel better.  I know when I was her age I was an avid journal writer.  It helped me get the mash of feelings inside of me out into the world.  I didn't necessarily feel better, but it certainly helped.  Hopefully she has her outlets. To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com