Lighthearted

Most of my close friends and family will tell you that I am a deep person. I look for the meaning in most things. I have high expectations of people in my life. And, I ask myself how I can evolve from the mistakes I make.  About ten years ago, I realized there was a whole lot of fun I was missing out on because of my seriousness.  I didn't abandon my instinct to be true to my word or to build significant relationships, but I did begin to explore my lighter side and you know what I discovered? That it takes work to stay positive, but it feels great!  What's wonderful about staying cheerful is that you get to be playful.  You can tap into the child's mind, which is essentially creative.  And that can be freeing.  When it comes to the work associated with staying lively while managing the responsibilities of an adult life, it takes a great deal of self-awareness to be able to know when each is necessary or appropriate.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

I Hear You

When I was twenty-one years old, I went to visit Judith Malina in NYC with three of my friends who were studying theatre. Two of them were at NYU and one of them, like me, had dropped out of school for a period of time to pursue acting rather than be immersed in studies.  Everyone sat quite close to her in her apartment while I chose the up-right chair across from everyone against the opposite wall. I listened whole-heartedly, don't get me wrong.  But, I was not anxious to jump in to show off my know-how.  I didn't have too many questions to ask about her past nor the array of megastars she had worked with.  No, I wanted to hear what she had to say.  And I wanted to do it silently. Twenty-five years later, I still carry one of my greatest life lessons with me from that day.  After about thirty minutes of conversation amongst the four of them, she looked up at me and pointedly said, "Now she's the one I really want to hear from.  You have to ask yourself, 'What does she have to say?'" It was a confirmation of my learning style.  It affirmed the fact that sometimes it is good to digest and contemplate rather than be the first to blurt out.  Last Wednesday while I was thumbing through the channels on TV, I came across the premiere of Touch on NBC.  It is a story about the relationship between a father and a mute, autisitic boy and how they learn to communicate in order to help others make important connections. Towards the end of the first hour, Kiefer Sutherland (playing the single father), finally hears what his son is not saying by tracing all of the things he has written down and all of the things he has created with his genius mind.  When he finally "gets" it, he turns to his son, who he never can physically touch, and says, "I don't know if you can hear me, Jake.  But I hear you.  I hear you!"  And finally communication is established.  Makes me stop and realize that whatever communication challenges we may think we have; whatever secrets we think we are holding back;  whatever silence we are keeping out of choice, can be broken simply because we have the ability to speak in the first place.  We aren't trapped inside ourselves with our thoughts, feelings and perspectives.  Selectivity is positive.  Not using the voice at all, however, is wasteful. To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

The Maturity Plea

Irresponsibility is unattractive. Especially in adults.  It's one thing if it happens once in a while, but when someone dodges the responsibilities of being a grown up most of the time, it can be ugly.   I know people like that.  Living the carefree life.  Taking care of business that makes them feel good.  Leaving challenges for the uncontrollable events at work.  Digging in when the pressure is on, but leaving things to the last minute overall.  Breezing by like a butterfly--oh, doesn't that air feel nice. Maybe it is my Type A personality that wants more answers, more planning, more movement, but I think it is more than that because I know how to dig in myself and be patient when I need to be.  It's not easy being mature.  That's for sure.  Mainly because there isn't a clear recipe for it.  Adults have responsibilities related to their lives.  If they have children, they have duties related to finance and security breathing down their necks.  If they are married, they have someone to answer to every time they feel like sitting down to watch a nice long evening of television.  If they own a business or work in a high-pressured job, they need be accountable to their teams and for their actions.   But, just because there isn't a "how-to" list for maturity, doesn't mean that we shouldn't be trying our best to live up to the expectations of those around us.  I'd like to see people own-up to a thing or two.  I'm sure it is a way to relieve each other of undue stress.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

Perfection

Quite often I want to be perfect. Not so much consciously, but as part of what drives me.  And I don't need to be perfect at everything--just the things that I care about. For instance, health. After my sophomore year at Emerson College, I moved to Los Angeles where I became a vegan and felt the best I ever felt energetically (of course being 20 had nothing to do with it.)  Slowly over the years, I added fish, chicken, dairy, meat, and most recently, coffee back into my diet.  Anyone looking at my diet would say that it is still super healthy.  For the most part, I cook regularly and eat fresh vegetables and foods without preservatives.  I drink water and stay away from all juice and soda (with the occasional sip of my fiancé's guaraná or cola--another of my latest additions.) But, to me, every time I have a cup of coffee or a delicious piece of Brazilian linguica, I feel the whip come out to beat myself up. Intellectually I know that balance works well for the health, but I also have a wish to return to those days when I was super clean on the inside assuming it would make me even more productive, energetic, clear-thinking, and "perfect"! Hmmp?! What to do...what to do?  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

Secret Desires or Dark Thoughts?

I was doing yoga today and while in the upside down pose of Downward Facing Dog, my eyes danced upon the shining reflection of the legs of a chair on the white tiled floor.  I felt an incredible feeling that I was being swept away by heaven.  In less than a millisecond I realized that there was no heaven nor near-death experience upon me--I was simply upside down looking at the glow in my floor.  It made me wonder if I had some dark thought about preferring to be on the other side or if this passing feeling was just a secret desire.   And was a dark thought bad and a secret desire good?  Could wanting to be surrounded by light and love even be a bad idea?  Well, for some, quite frankly, thinking about death scares the bejesus out of us (which wouldn't be so bad if we were planning on hanging with the angels.)  The point is that all of our thoughts have a place in the process of understanding ourselves. Recognizing each thought and how it acts or keeps me from acting is one of my goals for 2012.  How about you?   To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

Feeling Like Scrooge

Anybody out there have a friend or family member who holes up over the holidays?  I'm fortunate to say that I don't have many close to me boarding up the windows for the season.  But, it does seem to be rampant whether it is in the cold, windy city of Chicago or the tropics of Indonesia.  Nobody likes to be told when to be joyful.  Nobody wants to feel obligated to go shopping and exchange Secret Santa gifts.  But, it is an opportunity to connect with people which is something we all could use while we dig ourselves out of our financial mess.  I was walking up the stairs of Grand Central last week (where by the way they have just opened a very cool Apple store, I must add!), and an older woman was bumping her suitcase up the stairs.  I didn't think twice about helping her.  We smiled, said a few words and it made me feel good though that wasn't my intention. Because a lot of us are in the mood to feel good over the next few weeks, let's take advantage and reach out and touch some folks.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com  

The Disco Ball

A good friend and I have very different perspectives on life. You could say I am positive and she is negative.  She is skeptical and I am a believer, or I am optimistic and she is doubtful (or realistic as she would say.)  She thinks I indulge in new agey behavior and I think she is wildly cynical.  However you put it, our views are often so radically different you'd wonder what we have in common.  About 10 years ago, I told her that I thought we "clashed" and that brought up a slew of commentary from both sides. According to her, I must have been using the wrong word because how could we possibly "clash?" (I came to find out today that Dictionary.com's definition of clash is to conflict or disagree. Now that is a definition I could have stood behind fifteen years ago.) Even in the discussion of the word clash itself, I saw us having completely different perspectives while she viewed us as more similar.  This discussion caused the biggest argument of our friendship and because I was less outspoken at that time, I harbored it for a year before I told her how upset it made me.  She was shocked that I had waited so long to say something.  Since that time we have only become closer friends, despite our different perspectives.  In fact, we acknowledge and often joke about them.  But our similarities related to politics, the arts, loyalty, humor, travel, etc. are certainly the glue of our friendship.  I can honestly say that the reflection she shines is one of the most satisfying of my friendships.  What I have come to understand is that it is the challenges that she poses in our conversations and the different opinions she provides that stir me to be a better person, a better communicator and a more well-rounded human being.  I know it is easy to shy away from people who seem different from us, but we just have to think of them as the disco ball shining the light on our dance floor.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com  

Be Careful

I spent Thanksgiving holiday with my fiancé
on our new piece of land.  We were busy planting, fixing the road, walking down to the river and driving our car in the mud.  And every thing we did, came his words, "Be careful!"  Soon, I felt like I was six or seven years old and that I was incapable of walking down a set of stairs without holding someone's hand.  For anyone who knows me well, I have an air of confidence about me.  The thought of me looking timid and hesitant would probably be inconceivable to many of my closest friends.  But, there I was being careful every step I took.  Finally, I began to react each time he asked me to be careful.  "Stop telling me to be careful!  I'm not five!"  And so the weekend went until I found myself telling him to...that's right...be careful with every thing he touched and did.  Seemed he didn't like the taste of his own medicine.  And so, we soon began to find the humor in our desire to keep the other safe.  This turn of events was a surprise.  What was becoming an irritating communication, was something we could both begin to laugh at and understand on a whole new level.   Communication is often about expression and the words we choose along with the way we speak really define the nuance behind our message.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

Creative License: Mas, A Vida É.

I was sitting on the front porch of my country house watching the sunset.  I was frustrated thinking about the poor level of my Portuguese.  As I began judging myself for my lack of proficiency, I decided to recite a poem in Portuguese.  Not one I read.  Not one I memorized.  Not even one someone else wrote.  One I made up on the fly.  Sure, it was simple.  Sure I don't remember every line.  But because I love to write poetry in English, this format of Portuguese came easily.  It was the creative license that allowed me to risk my desire for perfection and just speak.   I was truly surprised by the level of improvisation that I was using and more importantly, how it worked.  When I needed a verb, it appeared.  When I wanted to end the sentence, I found a way.  And when I wanted a refrain, I remembered it each time.  So, unfortunately, I can't I remember all of my first Portuguese poem, but the refrain, yes:  Mas, a vida é. To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

Who Am I Protecting?

I have always had the tendency to protect those I care about from having difficult conversations.  I don't want to ruin their day, their moment, their...anything.  But the truth is that I just don't have the courage to say what is really on my mind for fear of ruining their day, their moment, their...anything.  The two may sound the same but they are, in fact, very different.  I don't know that their day will be ruined.  For them, an honest, direct conversation may be appreciated. Aren't I just protecting myself from taking a risk that may fail? Aren't I just afraid that I won't have the right words at the right time with the right tempo to keep the conversation going? Maybe my concerns hadn't been well thought out. Maybe I don't know what to say once I get started. Maybe I'll hurt his feelings or he won't understand what I meant. Maybe, just maybe, all of these thoughts are the very fear that create an entirely new layer of confusion on a conversation.  If I could simply notice the simplicity of a feeling, recognize it as human and not unlike how others could feel, perhaps I could step up and speak up in those moments.  There is no doubt that I am much better at these challenging interchanges than I used to be.  But, I do notice from time to time that I create a backstory to a subject that is probably much more interesting to talk about with those I care about than to repeat the dialogue in my head a million times until I get it right.  It is never right. It just is.  And until it is communicated, it will just drive me batty.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

Nature Me

I spent last weekend in nature--no electricity, wood burning stove for cooking, and a variety of animals to observe. It's easy to get antsy in this kind of environment, but it is also easy to develop your intuitive side.  While I was sitting on the hot rocks down by the river, I found myself deeply relaxing (something I rarely do).  The voices in my head were quieted to one.  The anxious scratching of my head and tapping of my feet were channeled into a calm.  I found myself less worried and more trusting that what needed to happen, would come to pass; that who I needed to collaborate with, would become obvious; that where I needed to focus my attention, would present itself.  The voice I was hearing was one of intuition.  Communication has this instinctual element available if we are looking to develop it.  Next time you are in nature, take advantage of it.  Tune in to the way the birds sing--they repeat the same melody again and again.  Why?  How can that be of any significance in the development of your communication? Watch how the stars appear in the night sky--they touch the dark slowly and then like a blanket of light.  What ideas come from this meditation?   To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

Watch That Tone

I am about to start a project with a sourcing professional who has a tendency to show his passion at work with an overly strong tone of voice. When he called me the other day to discuss the proposal, it was more like an outrage regarding a point I didn't follow to the tee. It disturbed me.  I know him from previous work we'd done together and although he'd mentioned that he can lose his patience some times, I had never seen it. This time it was out in full force.  I was so taken by surprise that I responded from my gut, "Are you frustrated?  Because you sound frustrated.  If you are, I can't speak with you like this."  I said it calmly and matter-of-factly.  He paused.  I'm sure he was not expecting this from me. In that moment, I was just another commodity to him that he was sourcing.  But, the truth is that human communication is not a commodity.  At no time do we have the right to attack someone with our tone of voice, our assumptions or our discontent.  We do it all the time, but certainly as responders we do not have to accept it.  I understood where his dissatisfaction was coming from and I knew it wasn't me.  So, pointing it out to him seemed to work.  After he paused, he came back with a calmer tone ready to have a conversation.  The trick in situations like this is how to stop someone in their tracks before they get caught in their own emotion with no way out.  I think one of the most important points to remember is that you have to keep a calm tone if there is going to be any chance of reining them in.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

Push Through The Discomfort

I was taking my weekly cycling class at the ridiculously expensive Soul Cycle in Union Square when during our final climb, the instructor said, "You have to be a little uncomfortable if you want to change."  She's right.  And so, knowing how uncomfortable we all must feel during this second blast of a recession, it seems we all have to find ways to move our fear, shake our energy, look to the other side of the transition and know that good things are around the corner.  When it comes to our communication?  Let's be fair and honest and vulnerable and generous and helpful and great things might even come.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com

Kind Deeds

I was standing in line at the supermarket the other night buying a can of Snapple for my doorman.  I asked the cashier if they had straws.  She told me they were in the deli section.   I stood there waiting for our transaction to complete so I could go over and grab the straw.  As I was reaching out for my change, a tall man in a biking helmet and windbreaker handed me a purple straw that he held gently in a napkin.  The whole image didn't register to me until I realized it was a straw.  I was so flabbergasted by his gesture that I genuinely said, "Thank you very much," in a high tone.  He never said a word.  But, he had left the line to go over to the deli to get me a straw. He smiled nicely when I thanked him and then I left.  These days there are very few acts of kindness like this.  It felt good to have a real communication with someone that was filled with simplicity.  Thanks budd!  Wherever you are.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com 

Waiting In The Wings

We landed a new client recently who wants Italian classes for its employees.  We interviewed and "hired" a seemingly nice Italian woman with experience and enthusiasm.  Seemed like a great fit until we walked away from one another and we tried to contact her for next steps. Every meeting we set up was changed.  Every phone call that was made was unanswered.  Sensitive questions were avoided.  Each day that passed,  I realized that I was naive to think that she was interested in the job.  It is true that there were only a few hours a week that the job would entail.  And I understand that it could never be enough for someone to live on.  What I have a problem with, is the lack of directness.  Why not say something like: "I'm considering other positions and it is unclear if I'll be able to take this job." Or, "I'm busy with other jobs this week and am available these times if you need to speak." It is amazing to me how many people choose to avoid communicating.  I will go as far to say that I sometimes wonder how they can sleep at night knowing that some things are unsettled.  It has to be somewhat disturbing to one's chemistry to have things always waiting in the wings. No?   To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com 

Houston, We Have Problem

One of my instructors called me yesterday afternoon to "leave me a message".  Why?  Why not call me to speak to me.  Or, at least be prepared to hear my live voice on the other side and pretend you are prepared to talk to me.  Then the conversation was about setting up a time to talk the following day instead of being about why she called.  Funny, huh?!  I do it.  I send emails most of the time because then I can stick to my agenda.  I can say what I want to say, the way I want to say it, and I don't have to answer any unexpected questions. Lately, though, I've been noticing a lot of people's emails as curt and disconnected.  No heart, no warmth, no true desire to communicate.  Just get the information and go. Give the information and wash the hands clean.  I don't know about everyone else, but it's getting tiring.  And it feels empty.  It also seems careless, and dare I say, hurtful. With all these little wounds we get on a daily basis, we start to build up a veneer that keeps others away.  With economical challenges added to the pot, I wonder how we can turn our communication around.  Even with my heightened sense of awareness, I am as guilty as the next one when it comes to day to day interactions.  Let me see what I can do to change that. Quickly.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com 

The Mightybell Experience

I'm participating in the beta pilot of www.mightybell.com. It is about having a shared experience with others "based on the simple premise: you are what you do." Mightybell describes an experience as "a goal or topic organized as a series of Steps created by you for other people to do, such as 'The 10 Best Ways to...' or 'The Pefect 3 Days in...' etc." Some of the experiences I got involved with are The 30 Day I Love My Business Challenge by Adelaide Lancaster; 7 Ways to Creatively Explore Your Soul by Soul Pancake; Reduce Your Carbon Footprint to Zilch in 5 Easy Steps by The Conservation Fund's Go Zero Program; and 10 Vacation Rules to Save Your Life by Wendy Perrin. I never thought that an on-line platform like this would be so engaging.  A kind of crowdsourcing, I guess.  Certainly a social network to meet people with similar interests as you.  It is putting some extra spunk in my spirits.  Seems there is something there for everyone.  (I came across Demi Moore doing the 7 Ways to Creatively Explore Your Soul and thought: Should I tell her about the time I served her a fruit smoothie with Ali Sheedy back in the summer of 1985 at the juice bar I Love Juicy?  Still deciding.)   I do see more and more how all of the social networks out there are an opportunity for us to know ourselves better by the things we choose to get involved with and by how much we work to enroll others in our cause.  I've come up with an experience I may start at Mightybell.  Let me know if you'd join it:  6 Ways To Do Nothing And Something For Yourself.   To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com 

Say It With Less

I was attending The Breakthrough Breakfast for the WPEO in New York's Grand Hyatt Hotel last Friday and had the opportunity to hear many people speak. Some had great openings that grabbed my attention, some used flat voices that lost me, and others got the hand signal to wind it up from the president, Marsha Firestone.  Hopefully they all know who they are.  Or do they?  It seems that so many can be oblivious to the interplay between speaker and listener.  My cousin, who I love bless her soul, at least admits that it doesn't matter who she is talking to, she just likes to talk. OK.  At least within the family.  (Or is it?) But, knowing how to streamline the message and hit the key points is really the best way to reach a crowd.   Even knowing how doesn't seem to be the only tool necessary--doing it is what matters.  So how is it done?  Staying close to your voice while you are speaking and watching the non-verbal cues of all those in your audience.  These two things alone will help you deliver a message with impact.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com  

On Friendship

I have been thinking about friendship lately. How many iterations of "best" friends have I had? How often have I put my friends needs before mine? Who of my friends have the same values as me? And I realized I want a revamp. I want to find friends who are joyful, generous and true to their word.   When I was young, I was vigilant when it came to doing what I said I would do. For the last 5-10 years I have given myself some slack.  I followed in the footsteps of some of the people I surrounded myself with to avoid disappointment.  I adjusted to different cultures when I thought it would help me assimilate. But I realize that my less-than-full-integrity came from the fact that I was tired of being surrounded by others who so carelessly threw their word around.  It's time to step back up to what has always come so easily to me without becoming judgmental of or being let down by those who may not speak with the same intention. I am sure I can do it.  And I imagine, it will help me reach new achievements.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com  

Intentional Communication

Most of us lose control from time to time when it comes to our feelings. We keep moderate discomfort to ourselves until we can't take it anymore and then we explode. A good friend of mine is especially good at letting her frustration be known most of the time. Whether it is the chatterers at the movie theatre, the people pushing in the train, or the doctor who took unnecessary tests, she lets people know when she thinks they are wrong. It takes a kind of courage you could say.  It certainly takes gumption. I wonder if her little fits of expression help free her from bigger outbursts or if she's no better off than me--one who waits and waits till I can't take it anymore.  Interpersonal communication can be a slippery slope. Understanding ourselves deeply is a gift we give not just to those we interact with, but to ourselves as well.  By becoming more in-tuned with our physical reaction to others' words (a tightened jaw, for example, most likely means you are angry) or with our tone of voice (a profoundly deep quality of sound usually denotes that we are wholly communicating what matters to us), we are saying that we care about the impact our communication can make on others and the toll it can take on us.  We have to care.  So much of the world reshapes around us without our control.  Why not take the reigns we do hold and express ourselves the best we can?  Sure, there may be times we resort to a bout of anger, but hopefully we will know when it is authentic and we will know where to draw the line.  Let's build bridges between those we care about through intentional communication.  To be added to Lanartco's Communication Performance Tip of the Week (a separate weekly message), please connect to this link or send your email address to info@lanartco.com